So, I'm sitting at the kitchen table thinking about what a horrible wife I am and my four-year-old starts to have one of his massive temper tantrums (seriously, I don't think it's normal). He gets so mean and then screams and cries and starts to hyperventilate and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with his mean-ness in these situations and I don't know how to deal with the tantrum. Nothing I do seems to work except to give in to him. My eyes are starting to tear up because I just don't know what to do and the negative thoughts start to take over: "I'm a terrible mom," "I'm mean," "Why can't I do anything right?," "I can't do this anymore," "I need chocolate." And I still want chocolate, but I know I don't need it. So, instead of eating chocolate, I'm writing this blog post. Maybe it's not the best solution, but it's better than giving in to the craving for chocolate. I'm fighting the cycle and maybe that's good enough for today. Well, I'm hungry now, so I'm off to get some
Thursday, February 13, 2014
My Truth
What truth do I live by? Well, it's certainly not God's truth. I'm not sure why it is so difficult for me to embrace God's truth. The truth that I am loved by him, I am his child, and I am important to him. But this is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I can't think of a day that has gone by that I didn't think some negative thought about myself or beat myself up over something. Some days, I handle it better than others. Today is not one of those days. School was cancelled due to weather and the possibility of dangerous road conditions. I had to take the kids with me to get plates for my son's preschool Valentine's Day party tomorrow and while we were out, I was supposed to buy my husband a Valentine's Day card and run a couple other errands. I was so distracted by their whining and horrible behavior that I completely forgot about the card. I remembered on the way home, but the little one was hungry and wanting more lunch so I decided not to stop to at the drug store near our house to get a card (I still don't know when I'm going to get him one). So, I'm sitting at the kitchen beating myself up about what a horrible wife I am because I can't ever seem to think ahead to buy him a card for anything and then I get all stressed out trying to get it done on time. And I want chocolate. And I haven't had the kids make Valentine's for him either (they made mine on Monday) so I start beating myself up over that too. "Why can't I be more organized, like Keven? He's always thinking ahead and planning and gets things done on time," "I'm no good at anything, etc, etc." And I still want chocolate.
So, I'm sitting at the kitchen table thinking about what a horrible wife I am and my four-year-old starts to have one of his massive temper tantrums (seriously, I don't think it's normal). He gets so mean and then screams and cries and starts to hyperventilate and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with his mean-ness in these situations and I don't know how to deal with the tantrum. Nothing I do seems to work except to give in to him. My eyes are starting to tear up because I just don't know what to do and the negative thoughts start to take over: "I'm a terrible mom," "I'm mean," "Why can't I do anything right?," "I can't do this anymore," "I need chocolate." And I still want chocolate, but I know I don't need it. So, instead of eating chocolate, I'm writing this blog post. Maybe it's not the best solution, but it's better than giving in to the craving for chocolate. I'm fighting the cycle and maybe that's good enough for today. Well, I'm hungry now, so I'm off to get somechocolate grapes.
So, I'm sitting at the kitchen table thinking about what a horrible wife I am and my four-year-old starts to have one of his massive temper tantrums (seriously, I don't think it's normal). He gets so mean and then screams and cries and starts to hyperventilate and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with his mean-ness in these situations and I don't know how to deal with the tantrum. Nothing I do seems to work except to give in to him. My eyes are starting to tear up because I just don't know what to do and the negative thoughts start to take over: "I'm a terrible mom," "I'm mean," "Why can't I do anything right?," "I can't do this anymore," "I need chocolate." And I still want chocolate, but I know I don't need it. So, instead of eating chocolate, I'm writing this blog post. Maybe it's not the best solution, but it's better than giving in to the craving for chocolate. I'm fighting the cycle and maybe that's good enough for today. Well, I'm hungry now, so I'm off to get some
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Elizabeth, I think you made a brave choice to write out what you're feeling instead of heading into the kitchen first. Baby steps. I so get those feelings of "Why can't I be more like....?" I hope God just showers you with the Truth that you are LOVED and good enough just as you are. That He chose YOU for that child that has the throw-down melt-downs (got one of those, too!). I mostly pray that He blesses your desire to be more obedient to Him. It's so stinkin' hard some days - just keep moving forward. You can do this!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm SO glad that you chose to write!
:) Missy (OBS Blog Hop Team)
Thanks for the encouragement, Missy! It definitely helped to write about it and I never did eat that chocolate ;)
DeleteElizabeth,
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave to put your trials out there for all of us to see. That is hard! Choosing to write instead of head straight to the chocolate first--that was determination! Only someone empowered by God could make that choice.
You are not defined by your comparisons to others--unless you rest in those comparisons and allow them to tell you who you are. Comparison is the worst, because you will always find a way you are not measuring up! That is a lie from the Devil and you are a Daughter of the King--you are measured as belonging to Him :) You are the Mom your sweet baby needs and The Spirit will show you how to be just what he needs.
I hope those grapes hit the spot, too!
Sandi Brewer, OBS Small Group Leader
Thanks, Sandi! Those grapes actually did hit the spot. In a way, I think they were even better than chocolate! And I don't have the guilt that goes with chocolate ;)
DeleteThat's is what these groups are for, putting our true self out there, the good, the bad and the ugly. Thank you for sharing! Jaime Group 50
ReplyDelete