My Truth

What truth do I live by? Well, it's certainly not God's truth. I'm not sure why it is so difficult for me to embrace God's truth. The truth that I am loved by him, I am his child, and I am important to him. But this is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I can't think of a day that has gone by that I didn't think some negative thought about myself or beat myself up over something. Some days, I handle it better than others. Today is not one of those days. School was cancelled due to weather and the possibility of dangerous road conditions. I had to take the kids with me to get plates for my son's preschool Valentine's Day party tomorrow and while we were out, I was supposed to buy my husband a Valentine's Day card and run a couple other errands. I was so distracted by their whining and horrible behavior that I completely forgot about the card. I remembered on the way home, but the little one was hungry and wanting more lunch so I decided not to stop to at the drug store near our house to get a card (I still don't know when I'm going to get him one). So, I'm sitting at the kitchen beating myself up about what a horrible wife I am because I can't ever seem to think ahead to buy him a card for anything and then I get all stressed out trying to get it done on time. And I want chocolate. And I haven't had the kids make Valentine's for him either (they made mine on Monday) so I start beating myself up over that too. "Why can't I be more organized, like Keven? He's always thinking ahead and planning and gets things done on time," "I'm no good at anything, etc, etc." And I still want chocolate.

So, I'm sitting at the kitchen table thinking about what a horrible wife I am and my four-year-old starts to have one of his massive temper tantrums (seriously, I don't think it's normal). He gets so mean and then screams and cries and starts to hyperventilate and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with his mean-ness in these situations and I don't know  how to deal with the tantrum. Nothing I do seems to work except to give in to him. My eyes are starting to tear up because I just don't know what to do and the negative thoughts start to take over: "I'm a terrible mom," "I'm mean," "Why can't I do anything right?," "I can't do this anymore," "I need chocolate." And I still want chocolate, but I know I don't need it. So, instead of eating chocolate, I'm writing this blog post. Maybe it's not the best solution, but it's better than giving in to the craving for chocolate. I'm fighting the cycle and maybe that's good enough for today. Well,  I'm hungry now, so I'm off to get some chocolate grapes.