A Healthy Snack

A healthy snack full of polyphenols and fiber!

My Truth

What truth do I live by? Well, it's certainly not God's truth. I'm not sure why it is so difficult for me to embrace God's truth. The truth that I am loved by him, I am his child, and I am important to him. But this is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I can't think of a day that has gone by that I didn't think some negative thought about myself or beat myself up over something. Some days, I handle it better than others. Today is not one of those days. School was cancelled due to weather and the possibility of dangerous road conditions. I had to take the kids with me to get plates for my son's preschool Valentine's Day party tomorrow and while we were out, I was supposed to buy my husband a Valentine's Day card and run a couple other errands. I was so distracted by their whining and horrible behavior that I completely forgot about the card. I remembered on the way home, but the little one was hungry and wanting more lunch so I decided not to stop to at the drug store near our house to get a card (I still don't know when I'm going to get him one). So, I'm sitting at the kitchen beating myself up about what a horrible wife I am because I can't ever seem to think ahead to buy him a card for anything and then I get all stressed out trying to get it done on time. And I want chocolate. And I haven't had the kids make Valentine's for him either (they made mine on Monday) so I start beating myself up over that too. "Why can't I be more organized, like Keven? He's always thinking ahead and planning and gets things done on time," "I'm no good at anything, etc, etc." And I still want chocolate.

So, I'm sitting at the kitchen table thinking about what a horrible wife I am and my four-year-old starts to have one of his massive temper tantrums (seriously, I don't think it's normal). He gets so mean and then screams and cries and starts to hyperventilate and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to deal with his mean-ness in these situations and I don't know  how to deal with the tantrum. Nothing I do seems to work except to give in to him. My eyes are starting to tear up because I just don't know what to do and the negative thoughts start to take over: "I'm a terrible mom," "I'm mean," "Why can't I do anything right?," "I can't do this anymore," "I need chocolate." And I still want chocolate, but I know I don't need it. So, instead of eating chocolate, I'm writing this blog post. Maybe it's not the best solution, but it's better than giving in to the craving for chocolate. I'm fighting the cycle and maybe that's good enough for today. Well,  I'm hungry now, so I'm off to get some chocolate grapes.

Victory Then -----> Victory Now

This week, one of the blog hop topics is to write about a past victory. Last week, someone commented that she clicked on my post because of the picture of me and Donald Duck on my profile. I thought it was a little ironic since that picture was taken five years ago after I completed the Donald Duck Half Marathon at Disney World. It was a wonderful weekend! My crazy husband ran the half marathon with me on Saturday and then ran the full marathon on Sunday, completing the "Goofy Race and a Half Challenge." What was ironic about it is that my half marathon training was part of my weight loss plan to get back to my prepregnancy weight. I had started training, but wasn't losing any weight. Probably because I was still eating pretty much whatever I wanted. Some friends of mine were talking about going to Weight Watchers and I had been thinking of going too, so the three of us all started at the same time. I wouldn't say we held each other accountable, but I did find myself wanting to do well because I didn't want them to lose more weight than me! I guess a little friendly competition can be motivating for me! I did great on the Weight Watchers plan and met my goal of getting down to my prepregnancy weight before my daughter's first birthday. I felt great about myself and planned to keep up with WW and keep running. But....a few months later, I got pregnant! I was very excited and planned to continue exercising and eating well, but being pregnant and chasing a toddler don't mix! I felt nauseous most of the time and boy was I tired! I gained more weight with this pregnancy than I did the first. I knew if I started Weight Watchers as soon as possible after my son's birth, I would be able to get the weight off again. So, as soon as I was ready, I went back to Weight Watchers. I was nursing, so I got loads of extra points! After a few weeks, I felt like my milk supply was getting low and ultimately decided to quit WW for a while in order to keep nursing. I can't even tell you how many times I have started WW since then and quit. Usually it only lasts for a week or two and then I give up. It's usually because I have slipped and can't get myself past it: "Oh, it's Thursday and I've already used up all my extra points for the week, there's no way I can make it through the weekend" or "this is too hard with little kids" or "I just need to accept that I'm going to be fat forever and learn to live with it." Not very positive things to tell myself. But, I'm determined to break this terrible cycle and get healthy! I know that I can do it because I have done it before. I may have two kids now instead of one, but that just gives me one more reason to push through the temptation and do this!

A Raging Battle

I'm participating in my very first online Bible Study, Made to Crave, through Proverbs 31 Ministries. I decided at the beginning of the year that I needed to be more focused on God and went searching for a daily devotional. The Proverbs 31 devotionals seemed perfect for me so I signed up! Before I knew it, they were advertising an online Bible study about overcoming food issues and making real change in your life. Hmmm...since I am still struggling to lose my "baby weight" that I gained while pregnant with my four-year-old, this seemed like a great fit.

One of the challenges that was put to us this week is to identify our other cravings besides food. At first, I wasn't sure how to name them, but then it hit me: importance. I long to feel important or significant. I am a stay at home mom and I'm pretty sure that if anything happened to me the only people that would miss me are my husband and my children. I don't do anything for the community, so I don't think anyone in the community would miss me. I don't even have any really close friends that I think would be deeply effected by the loss.

This came to me this morning because of a situation at my daughter's school. I am the room mom for her first grade class and today is the 100th day of school. Her teacher asked me to bring in a special treat to celebrate. So on Tuesday, I sent her an e-mail asking what time I should bring the snack. It's Thursday and she still hasn't responded. Well, she hasn't responded because her 5-month-old daughter is sick in the hospital and she hasn't been at school. But I've been so consumed with selfishness and this need to feel important that I have just been mad at her for not responding.

It's not the first time something like this has happened. For whatever reason, people just don't seem to feel a need to respond to my e-mails. When it happens, I get so consumed by it that I can't think of anything else. Why aren't they responding? Don't I matter to them? Isn't my child important enough to warrant a response? Why am I not important to them?  I let it overtake me so much that I start to think I'm not important to anyone, even my family. And then I eat. I eat because I think it will satisfy that craving to feel important. I say I want to be healthy for my family, but when I feel like I don't matter to anyone, it is hard to talk myself out of eating those cookies. So, maybe that craving for a cookie (or whatever) isn't really a craving for a cookie, but for something else.

Wishful Organization

So, I know that my husband is going to make fun of this picture and this confession, but I love this shelf in my kitchen cabinet.

One day a couple of months ago, I put the plates away in rainbow color order. I loved it! So I kept doing it. And I started doing the same thing with the cups and bowls. It looks so neat and pretty. It doesn't look bad when they are not in order, but something about the rainbow order just makes me smile. Yesterday, I had a realization. It's not just about the dishes looking pretty in a certain order, this cabinet represents something. It represents what I wish the rest of my house looked like. You see, right now, the kitchen counters look like this:

This...

And this.

And oh, is that a dining room table under there? With a Valentine's Day table cloth?

That's pretty much what our whole house always looks like. The kitchen table is cleaned off right now, but usually we're pushing aside magazines, papers, and kids' artwork to put down our plates. I won't even mention the bathrooms! I just can't seem to get a handle on organizing my stuff and my time. As much as I love having clean counter tops, I just can't seem to keep them that way.

I've tried following FlyLady and she has some really great ideas, but her sticky note system is a bit much for me. I've downloaded multiple daily cleaning schedules that I vowed I was going to follow everyday (and I usually do for about two days). But they never seem to work for me. I always feel like I spend my entire day ignoring my kids to get everything done. And then, a week later it is a wreck again! But that cabinet is clean. It is neat. It is organized. It is pretty!

(Not) Yelling

This not yelling thing is hard. So far, I have not been successful. Well, last week was easy, we were on vacation. Yes, there was irritation, especially when the kids refused to go to sleep at night, but I don't think I yelled at all the entire time we were gone. The days we have been at home, however, were not so easy. Overall, I've done pretty well. I counted to 3 and took away ice cream scoops and took lots of deep breaths, but I have yelled. So, I've been thinking about when I tend to yell. What is the environment like? Are we playing and enjoying ourselves? Am I trying to get something done? What am I yelling about? I've learned 3 things: 1) I am usually yelling before I realize I am yelling. 2) I tend to get more irritated with the kids and yell more when I am being selfish (i.e. just want to do my own thing while the kids play on their own/watch TV). 3) Trying to get my 4-year-old to clean up often leads to yelling.

I could probably write a lot about #2. I probably wasn't really meant to be a stay at home mom. I'm not one of those moms who wakes up her kid from a 3-hour-nap because I started to miss him (seriously, someone told me that she does that). You won't hear me talking about how I just cherish every second that I spend with my children and wish I could spend even more time with them. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I do enjoy spending time with them, but I definitely need time away! I am often selfish and have a bad attitude. I get frustrated that my husband isn't here more and when he is here, he seems more concerned about crossing things off his list than spending time with me and the kids, or helping me. I get frustrated that I never get to sleep in or just have a morning that I don't have to get up and take care of everyone. I get irritated when I don't get a "weekend." These are the times when my "yelling" is the worst.

I guess I need to figure out how to deal better with these things. I need to pay attention to what is going on before I start yelling, so that I can keep myself from yelling. I need to find a way to make cleaning a more regular part of our day so that when I ask Kaitlin to clean up, there isn't so much drama. I need to accept the choice I have made to be a SAHM and put aside my own desires at times. I also need to be more intentional about doing things for myself so that I don't get so overwhelmed with selfish thoughts and desires.

Ice Cream Scoops

One of the reasons I think I often end up yelling at Kaitlin is because I just don't know what else to do. We've struggled to find a discipline strategy that works for us. I hope that we've finally found something - now if we could just be consistent with it! Kaitlin loves to have dessert for bed and when she doesn't get dessert, she gets very upset! One day, she actually suggested that if she gets two time outs in a day, she shouldn't get dessert. Since she made up the rule, we tried to follow it. We haven't been great about it, but we decided to modify it a bit going off her suggestion. I cut out an ice cream cone with three different colored ice cream scoops. If Kaitlin gets sent to timeout, I remove an ice cream scoop. If there are no scoops left at the end of the day, she doesn't get dessert.



This is very similar to the system they use at preschool and she seems to understand that pretty well. At school, they start each day on green. For one timeout they go to yellow and for two timeouts they go to red. On Friday, if they were on green all week, they get to pick something out of the treasure box. They also have a chance to get from yellow back to green (but once they're on red, they stay on red). That's where the sprinkles come in. If Kaitlin loses an ice cream scoop, she can earn it back if she gets three sprinkles. She can get a sprinkle by doing various things such as: sharing with her brother, or doing something the first time she is asked. I like this because it encourages me to focus on the positive things more. I definitely need help with that!